My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
