Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
