I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Randomize
