naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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