mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
