you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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