I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
