I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
