Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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