i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
