WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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