I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
