I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
