his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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