take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
