he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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