bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
