if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
