Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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