i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
