my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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