I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
