No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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