Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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