i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
