I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
