Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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