YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
