i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
