Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
As shirtless as possible
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
