grandma shit on top of the toilet
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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