I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
