Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
