just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
