I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
