the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
