oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
