It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
