Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
