I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
