I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
