I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
