She is in my trunk
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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