I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
