So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
