Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
