Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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