Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Enjoy the penises
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
