Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i think my mom watched the whole time
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
