omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
