nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
