I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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